little plastic castle
in a coffee shop
in a city
which is every coffee shop
in every city
on a day
which is every day
i pick up a magazine
which is every magazine
and read a story
then forgot it right away
they say goldfish have no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time
and it's hard to say if they are happy
but they don't seem much to mind
Everyone knows I have the memory of a goldfish. The shocking news you tell me today will shock me just as much as the last time you told me the news. And you will have to tell me again, because I've already forgotten it. And you'll mistake it for me not caring. And I'd like to prove to you that that's not the case, but there's no way to disprove it. Except to say that I forget everything and you'd think some of that would have to include things I actually do care about. So the caring is not the issue. Really. I forget what day it is. And I forget that you told me what day it is. And your birthday. And your name. And which day you have plans for us. And what those plans were. And I wish I had remembered what you're upset with me forgetting. I wish I didn't disappoint everyone that expects more from me than I can give. But it's one of those things that I've come to accept as part of me.
And I know you're thinking, Don't accept it. Care. Practice. or whatever ... but what I don't like talking about is that it's not that easy. There's more to it than that.
I'm open about it when asked, but I really don't like talking about the time in my life when I was really sick, and the consequences thereof. I especially don't like talking about the consequences because I don't want to use it as a crutch. An excuse. A cop-out for why I have problems. It's a weakness and men shouldn't be seen as weak. But let me explain it once here and then I wont need to bring it up again.
When I was 15-18...
--Man I hate talking about this. I feel like I sound like I'm whining. I'm not a whiner. If I'm in physical pain, I hate to think that I'm whining. I'd rather suffer in silence. I'd rather no one knew. But it's an explanation that I think involves a major piece of my life and personality, so look at it that way, and not as whining, ok? ...
When I was 15-18 I had ulcerative colitis. It's basically your immune system turning on you and trying to destroy your own colon. At 18, I had corrective surgery, removing my colon, which completely cured me and I haven't really had a problem since. But until that time, I feel like I had a few brushes with death, including 5 hospitalizations in a 1-year time period. Without the surgery, I'm almost certain I would be long dead. And this alone has had an effect on my personality which would warrant it's own entry, but that's not what this one is about. You see, during those 3 years, the only thing that kept me alive was my daily dosage of a drug called Prednisone. If you've had a run-in with this drug, I feel sorry for you, but you know what I'm talking about. It reduces bleeding and inflammation, but it's so dangerous for you that the maximum suggested dosage is 3 miligrams for a maximum of 3 days. I was taking it 3 times daily for 3 years at a dosage up to 80 miligrams. Here's what it was like:
Predinisone
Fluid and Electrolyte Disturbances: Sodium retention, fluid retention, congestive heart failure in susceptible patients, potassium loss, hypokalemic alkalosis, and hypertension.
Musculoskeletal: Muscle weakness, steriod myopathy, loss of muscle mass, osteoporosis, arthritis, tendon rupture, particularly of the Achilles tendon, vertebral compression fractures, aseptic necrosis of femoral and humeral heads, and pathologic fracture of long bones.
Gastrointestinal: Peptic ulcer with possible perforation and hemorrhage; pancreatitis; abdominal distention; ulcerative esophagitis; Increases in alanine transaminase (ALT, SGPT), aspartate transaminase (AST, SGOT) and alkaline phosphatase have been observed following corticosteroid treatment. These changes are usually small, not associated with any clinical syndrome and are reversible upon discontinuation.
Dermatologic: Impaired wound healing, thin fragile skin, petechiae and ecchymoses, facial erythema, severe acne, increased sweating, and may suppress reactions to skin tests.
Metabolic: Negative nitrogen balance due to protein catabolism.
Neurological: Increased intracranial pressure with papilledema (pseudo-tumor cerebri) usually after treatment, convulsions, vertigo, headache, euphoria, insomnia, memory loss, mood changes, personality changes, psychotic behavior, or severe depression. It may worsen any existing emotional instability
Endocrine: Menstrual irregularities; development of Cushingoid state; secondary adrenocortical and pituitary unresponsiveness, particularly in times of stress, as in trauma, surgery or illness; suppression of growth of children; decreased carbohydrate tolerance; manifestations of latent diabetes mellitus; increased requirements for insulin or oral hypoglycemic agents in diabetics.
Ophthalmic: Posterior subcapsular cataracts, increased intraocular pressure, glaucoma, and exophthalmos.
Additional Reactions: Urticaria and other allergic, anaphylactic or hypersensitivity reactions.
Now I hate the pity and weakness and whining associated with talking about health problems. That's why I've only ever admitted to the problems on this list that I really can't deny I have. I have arthritis (bursitis) and cataracts in both eyes. Those are 2 things that no normal 20-something should have, so I can't deny the side-effects having wreaked havoc on me in some ways. And, along with a few other things, the memory loss is not something that I am quick to blame on this because it seems like such a crutch. But I did notice a significant change in my memory, personality, moods, etc. during and after that 3 year period. For example, my schoolwork and grades took a significant nosedive then. Sure that can be the fault of a lot of things - with no small amount being my own fault. I'm not trying to blame my problems on something else other than me. But I also can't deny how all of those things went through dramatic changes while I was on that drug. And so now I live with a couple side-effects and changes. I'm not looking for pity and I'm not whining. There's basically nothing wrong with me physically and so many more have gone through much much worse. But maybe next time I'm surprised by the little plastic castle or the news you've already told me, you can believe me when I say it doesn't mean I don't care.
Posted by heydomsar
2004-09-27
go back | random brainstorm | go forth
Rachel Ray - 2009-05-03
The cold wind was the reason - 2009-03-02
The Collected Wisdom of Angela Chase - 2009-02-15
All's well that ends well. - 2009-01-07
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - 2008-10-04
