killing me softly
Movie Reveiw
Before Sunrise (1995)
Before Sunset (2004)
or, Killing Me Softly
I promised this post a while back, but there's been a delay on this subject, because although I knew I wanted to write something about this, the words just would not come. There�s no way my writing could match the level of profundity I feel about this subject. And what put me off more was the high probability that my expression of that feeling would make no connection. The fact that even if I could express my mind suitably right now, it would be met with crickets and a �yeah, so what?� look.
I�ve always been anxious about that. I don�t share what is truly most important to me with people I care about because I couldn�t stand to have them not get it. It was like that with my last girlfriend when I wouldn�t play any music by my favorite artist for her. It was so important to me that I didn�t know how I would feel about my girlfriend anymore if she didn�t like it or just didn�t get it.
These two films are like that for me. I�ve shown them to people who hated them or got completely bored and started reading a magazine and one who just got up and left. But I think these films are so much a part of my identity to me that any rejection is very personal.
And I know if you think like most people, you�re going, �Geez, man, it�s a movie.� And I don�t expect you to understand. That�s the point. I expect you to NOT understand, and hence the trepidation about sharing. I don�t feel this deeply about a lot of movies or books or music or art. I�m not obsessed, I don�t think. But there are a few things I do hold dear, and I�m ok with that. In fact, I don�t think I could respect myself if I held nothing so dear.
This started nine years ago. In many ways, my life started nine years ago. With the fresh-face of youth, and the lack of experiences to jade me, I felt like I was at the threshold of a new world; open and free, exciting and challenging. Handed a driver�s license, I could finally break free from the limits of a clique that I didn�t understand and didn�t understand me. There were so many new friendships and relationships and experiences and I dove into each one like an oasis in a desert. My life was my future and it�s prospects. It was then that I was given Before Sunrise and it instantly became a part of me. The characters were me. Or at least who I wanted to be. A chance encounter during travels across Europe. An entire evening spent walking the streets of Austria and talking. But not just talking � connecting. Real exchange of words that mattered. Some day I would meet people like that. I would fall in love like that. I would be that.
Before Sunrise became a standard to which I held my conversations. People I befriended. Movies I�d watch. Connections. Passion. Love. No one and nothing quite lives up but I was certain that someday things would fit. I�d travel. I�d meet someone and connect like that. We�d date like that. I�d think like that. My love would have passion like that. I was certain I�d be that. Like the movie, life was so uncertain but hopeful. Full of so much joy and bright futures. The movie concludes on one of the biggest ambiguous endings I�d ever seen. Do they? Or Don�t they? You�re left to make your own decision. Nine years ago, I was so sure of my answer.
In 2004, I�ve aged nine years and so have the characters. Before Sunset finds us looking in on them after nine years have gone by. If you�re going to see the first movie, stop reading after this sentence because I can�t tell you how I feel about the sequel without your losing the opportunity to wonder and form an opinion about the ending of the original which will spoil something truly wondrous and amazing for you. If you�ve seen Before Sunrise, the first movie, then it�s not a big spoiler to tell you that the couple did not meet up as they had planned. They did not get back together. They did not fall in love and live happily ever after. You can infer that from the first lines of Before Sunset. The movie is every bit as engaging and cerebral but this time, having aged nine years, the pacing is more urgent; the city is less alive; the feelings are more painful; the longing is with restraint; the happiness is with regret; the futures are narrow; the ambiguous ending is a heart-wrenching lose-lose choice.
But again, this movie is me. Like the characters, I�ve aged nine years and lost something along the way. My vision for myself and my life from nine years ago has gone off track. The person I was sure I would be has never quite materialized. I�ve discovered that the deep connections I thought would just keep happening with more intensity are actually extremely rare. I�ve settled into notions of love out of convenience. Although I can enjoy the moment, the past haunts it and the future is decided by it.
I can�t help but put myself in the lead character�s position and I don�t like the decision I would find myself making. I�ve come to question who I am and what I believe and where my loyalties lie. But life is not so clear cut anymore. I�ve faltered and grown selfish; I�m flawed and desperate. What would I throw away and what is there left to gain?
I�ve watched this version of my life with tears in my eyes. But even amidst the sorrow, the tears are for the beauty. The heartache is sweetened with joy. My life is an uplifting depression that I wouldn�t give for anything. The moments of ecstasy in its screen adaptation are so dear they hurt. I�m reminded of the singer, Lori Lieberman, who when she first sees Don MacLean perform, is so moved by the beauty of his strumming her pain that she prays for him finish because she feels the emotion and connection are �Killing Me Softly.� The brightness hurts your eyes. The love stings your heart. Through the last scene, I can�t help but break down at Julie Delpy�s endearing impersonation of the late Nina Simone doing one of her best songs, Just In Time. Is it really �just in time�? Didn�t we miss out? Can there be enough left and is there anything we can do with it? As Nina is resigned to tell us with a shrug in her finest song, �Who knows where the time goes."
Posted by heydomsar
2005-10-15
go back | random brainstorm | go forth
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