confusion
Februmarchuary '06 Mix
Yes, I know. A February mix was promised. And now it's like, June, right? Well, you're getting free music downloads so quit whining. -- No, I'm sorry. You're right. A promise is a promise. I've just been busy and well, confused. And so, I'm combining February and March to catch up and giving this mix the theme "Confusion". It's a two parter. The selections will have the subtitle, "Manic Depression's a Frustrated Mess!" {That's a Hendrix quote for the young or uninformed.} I don't think I actually have manic depression {I hope not!} but these last 2 months have just been full of these irrational ups and downs. I'm thinking everyone has them right? I mean, basically life's great, right? And we shouldn't be feeling down but sometimes we do and we're stuck in that hole and we're confused about how we got there or how to climb out. And then, inexplicably, ya get over it and feel great again. All these irrational mood-swings, you'd think I was a woman.
Kidding!
For me, a major part of the confusion is relationship-related. These last two months, I had to have a form of "the talk" with 3 different girls. You know "the talk", where you're good friends with this girl and then one of you needs to define "where we stand."
Are we just friends? Do you want to be more? Why not?
I've been the one to say 'no' or 'I don't know', but it's because I'm so bad at relationships. I know this. I have this care-free, relaxed, anything goes front. But inside I'm hyper-over-analyzing every little detail. And I blow up 'dating' into monstrous proportions where making a move towards something serious would require me to be able to define my whole life plan with this woman and every aspect of compatability must be assured.
And so I confuse myself with conflicting desires and standards and I end up alone. And then I'm great. I think I'm happy and at my happiest on my own. Meeting people and flirting. Getting interested but not finding a storybook romance. And then back to over-analyzing and sunken back into a hole.
Can you see how messed up I am?
Confusion
Manic Depression's a Frustrated Mess!
1. Magnet - The Tourniquet - 01 - Hold on (5:00)
This is absolutely my new favorite song. You must right-click now and play it loudly. Preferrably with headphones. Who would have thought a banjo on a non-country, very indie, kind of electronic song would be so mesmerizing? ...yes, a banjo! But really, it's my favorite song lately. And it makes me think everything is going to be fine.
These days I don't see you walk to proud
These days I don't hear you talk so loud
When you thought you'd soaked up all of the blows
You realized you were not even close
& it feels like it's tearing you up
Feels like its wearing you down
You'll get through this if you hang on
Cause the truth is you're not alone
You'll get through this if you hang on
The truth is you're not alone
You're not on your own
I see your face on every corner of every street
You spend you days just waiting for your next defeat
But I can only tell you what I know
And all I know is that I just don't know
& it feels like it's tearing me up
Feels like it's wearing me down
I'll get through this if I hold on
Cause the truth is I'm not alone
I'll get through this if I hang on
The truth is I'm not alone
I'm not on my own
& you are not alone
It's just hard sometimes to carry on
No I'm not on my own
& you are not alone
It's just hard sometimes, so hard sometimes
But we got to hold on
2. Brazilian Girls - Brazilian Girls - 02 - Don't Stop (3:51)
Rember when I told you how much Brazillian Girls turn me on? Here's why! And the video has shriners! Really. Little old men in little old fez hats eating assorted meats. I know! But it's also a feel-good song.. for when I feel.. that special type of good. Are you catching my drift?
don't stop, don't stop, no just keep on going. until i come, until i come in. don't stop don't stop, no just keep on going. until i come, until i come in .. you never had it better, than when i was with you baby, come back to earth .. let's drink some tea and smoke some herb. don't stop, don't stop, no just keep on going. until i come, until i come in. don't stop don't stop no just keep on going. until i come, until i come in .. don't stop don't stop no. just keep on going .. until i come, until i come in .. let's just not talk about it and fill the blanks with space go to the park and get some ice cream, don't stop don't stop, no. .just keep on going, until i come, until i come in. don't.
3. Esthero - Heaven Sent (4:30)
And here's a phreaky one about crazy girls doing scary stuff. I think they killed someone? I don't know. But it scares me because all girls are crazy and this proves it. But it's also a very good representation of my confused and completely messed up mind lately.
I came and saw you left the light on
There was no one home at all
Couldn�t wait to get your clothes on
Shouldn�t come around to call on you
The taste was sweet and you delivered
I didn�t know I would feel so high
Well, I guess we didn�t have to kill her
But don�t feel so bad though
You looked her in the eye
And I watched her cry
And my mouth went dry
Everyone is going to have to die - sometime
My mouth is clean, my hands are dirty
Heaven isn�t on my side
Well, if it was, then she�d have hurt me
Didn�t think this through
But, I didn�t have the time
To perfect my crime
I drank my wine
Everything is going to be just fine
I don�t know, I don�t love, (you�re alone, you�re alone)
I don�t know
Anyone like me
I�m not heaven sent
I�m not heaven sent
But I�m broken and bent
My mouth went dry
As I watched her cry
Everyone has to, gets to die
But not on my time - not on this girl�s time
Not on my time
4. Death Cab For Cutie - The John Byrd EP - 05 - We Looked Like Giants (7:37)
I'm in the backseat coming home from some concert in Chicago and it's very late and it's a very long drive and there's too many of us packed into the car and we're all too tired and too quiet and then the bassline of We Looked Like Giants starts to tremble loudly over the speakers. My eyes close and then I'm in the backseat as a child coming home from some concert in Milwaukee and it's very late and we're all too tired, but this time I'm too young to know that I'll wish this moment could last forever. I open my eyes and I'm still in the backseat and I'm still listening to songs like this and I'm still crowded but this time everyone is holding the hand of the one they love and I close my eyes and go back to the packed car in Milwaukee, coming home from some concert, when we were all the same.
God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town
When every thursday I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.
God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation
I become what I always hated
When I was with you then
We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside
And together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer than anyone would ever get
Do you remember the JAMC?
And reading aloud from magazines
I don't know about you but I swear on my name
they could smell it on me
I've never been too good with secrets.
No...
And together there
In a shroud of frost and mountain air
Began to pass through every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer...
5. Ani DiFranco - SMSSML (Disc 1) - 03 - Grey (5:31)
I love this song. Everytime I blink, I have a tiny dream. It just epitomizes the wistful feelings about something not being right and you just don't know what the problem is.
the sky is grey,
the sand is grey,
and the ocean is grey.
i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome,
alone in my way.
i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream.
but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem.
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more.
maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on the shore.
you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me.
and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea.
and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me,
and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally?
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more.
maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.
regretfully,
i guess i've got three
simple things to say.
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
overtone's ringing,
undertow's pulling
away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey.
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more.
maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.
6. Lhasa de Sela- The Living Road - 10 - Pa' Llegar A Tu Lado (4:32)
And when we hit bottom, we realize who we let ourselves hit bottom for.
Gracias a tu cuerpo doy
Por haberme esperado
Tuve que perderme pa'
llegar hasta tu lado
Gracias a tus brazos doy
Por haberme alcanzado
Tuve que alejarme pa'
llegar hasta tu lado
Gracias a tus manos doy
Por haberme aguantado
Tuve que quemarme
Pa'llegar hasta tu lado
7. Verve Remixed 3 - 11 - Nina Simone - Lilac Wine (The Album Leaf Remix) (5:45)
Nina's voice never fails to resonate emotion in me at the perfect frequency and tone to trigger just the right release of whatever I've built up and am trying not to deal with at the moment. Only someone like her could sing with a voice so rich in experience and yet tendered with this vulnerability. She knows why I'm not ready. But the sweet flavor of the lilac wine makes us forget what we feel, and confuses it, and then covers it in a haze, and numbs us so that we can go on.
Jeff Buckley covered Nina's "Lilac Wine" but his version is so pained and raw that I'm not posting it. I save most of his songs from playing them too much for fear they lose their impact for me. So I'm including The Album Leaf's remix of her song because their electronic blips and beats interpretation seems to magnify the comfort and hope that I think Nina intended.
I lost myself on a cool damp night
Gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree
I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see...
And be what I want to be
When I think more than I want to think
Do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because it brings me back to you...
Lilac wine is sweet and heady, like my love
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, like my love
Listen to me... I cannot see clearly
Isn't that she coming to me nearly here?
Lilac wine is sweet and heady where's my love?
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, where's my love?
Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?
Isn't that she, or am I going crazy, dear?
Lilac Wine, I feel unready for my love...
8. John Mayer - Little Puppy (2:56)
And now I think we need to take this heartbreaking and serious topic I've brought up and add a little whimsy. Not everything in life needs to be blown up into something devastating. Take Mayer here, who's puppy was run over by a truck.. and then laugh about how silly you can make that sound.
Can't get over
My dog rover
Got run over
Four leaf clover
Not so lucky little puppy
You got f'd up by a trucky
Picked you up on a friday
You were flat on the driveway
If I could have it my way
You would have died on the highway
little puppy
la la la la
Little puppy
Picked you up on a friday
You were flat on the driveway (yes you were)
If I could have it my way
You would have died on the highway (On the highway)
You would have died,
You would have died on the highway
Now there's a big spot on my driveway
I can't seem to scrub it off
Oh no, no, no
9. Venus hum - Soul Sloshing (3:54)
And let's keep going with the whimsy. It feels good to throw away your confusing thoughts and just run through the streets. If life's a rollercoaster, then hang upside-down at the top of the loop with your arms outstretched and screaming because if you close your eyes, you might forget that you're about to zoom back down to the bottom and lose your lunch.
Indulging inaccuracy
I'm picking apart my friend Lizzie
Throw another word on me and watch me hurl it back
I know you! (I swear I do)
You're just like me- You're sipping a cup of pity
Aw!
Did I forget to mention I'm the centre of attention
In my universe my pain's my pension
I know you! (I swear I do)
You're just like me-You're sipping a cup of dreams
Yeah!
Soul sloshing-don't shush me
Just listen to me -pretty little kitty in the sky
The bass of my laughter-my gut is the speaker
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Sweet is my surprise!
Self involved security, yet you are such a part of me
And somehow what we do seeps into me, seeps into you
It's subtle-it's creepy knees
It's condescension versus humility
I know you! (I swear I do)
You're just like me- You're sipping a cup of pity
Aw!
Did I forget to mention I'm the centre of attention
In my universe my pain's my pension
I know you! (I swear I do)
You're just like me-You're sipping a cup of dreams
Yeah!
Soul sloshing-don't shush me
Just listen to me -pretty little kitty in the sky
The bass of my laughter-my gut is the speaker
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Sweet is my surprise!
10. Grandaddy - AM180 (3:20)
This is my meeting someone song. It's happy and loud and basic. Before all the drama and the confusion. It's the good times and laughter and excitment. But like that time in a relationship, it's too short!
Don�t change your name keep it the same
for fear I may lose you again
I know you wont, its just that I am unorganised
And I want to find you when something good happens
if you come down we'll go to town
I haven't been there for years
but I�d be fine wasting our time
not doing anything here
just doing nothing
We�ll sit for days talk about things
important to us like whatever
well defuse bombs walk marathons
and take on whatever together
11. Flemming & John - Ugly Girl (3:48)
I am this shallow. I know I am. But it's hilarious! So shoot me.
when I saw you at the grocery store
you were sharing a shopping cart with her
and I couldn't turn and run away
I didn't know what to say
you introduced us for the first time
and I had to look her in the eye
but you could not imagine my surprise
can't you see you're leaving me for an ugly girl
does she talk about politics and all the stuff that used to make me sick
does she smoke cigars and stay up late oh she's so great
does she tell you what you want to hear
and I bet that she can grow a beard
I'd feel better thinking you were queer
it's not fair I can't compare to an ugly girl
ha ha ha the jokes on me
I feel jealous and I feel mean
is she so nice that it makes up for her face there's no way
do you have to keep your eyes closed
do you have to keep the lights down low
oh I bet you wish you had a blindfold can't you see
you're leaving me for an ugly girl
12. Homestar Runner - sbtechno (0:45)
This is Trogdor from www.homestarrunner.com and his homemade pc techno song. And this is the climatic point where I reach manic insanity. Next up, the downswing back to the depressive side of the manic-depression. . .
13. Annie - Anniemal - 05 - Heartbeat (3:06)
So at first glance, this song sounds like just another piece of girly indie-flavored Euro-pop ... but give it a listen and then scroll down for the reason I think it's something more.
There was a time
Everybody was around
And I was dancing with you
We all went down
To the party friday night
And had a drink there or two
Oh what a hit
Of a loving heartbeat
That's electricity
Majestic sound
Round and round and round
Glad you're next to me
Feel my heartbeat
Trembling to the beat
Like a symphony
Feel my heartbeat
Trembling to the beat
Like a melody
Come see
Feel my heartbeat
Trembling to the beat
Like a symphony
Feel my heartbeat
Trembling to the beat
Like a melody
Come see
Time after time
Everybody came around
And I was dancing with you
Don't know your name
Making me ashamed
To feel the way that I do
The lights went out
Couldn't be without
It was a place to be
I won't forget
Greatest times ahead
When I was dancing with you
Feel my heartbeat
Trembling to the beat
We all want it now
Feel my heartbeat
Trembling to the beat
We all want it now somehow
Feel my heartbeat
Trembling to the beat
Like a symphony
Feel my heartbeat
Trembling to the beat
Like a melody
Come see
Feel my heartbeat
Feel my heartbeat
Feel my heartbeat
Now
Feel my heartbeat
Feel my heartbeat
Feel my heartbeat
Now somehow
There was a time
Everybody was around
And I was dancing with you
Don't know your name
Making me ashamed
To feel the way that I do
The lights went out
Couldn't be without
It was a place to be
I won't forget
Greatest times ahead
When I was dancing with you
I'm a bit sketchy on the details, but from what I've heard, the female indie-dance-dj sensation from Norway, Annie, was coming out with a new album, produced by her boyfriend, Tore Kroknes, when he suddenly died of complications from a heart defect on the day of its release. She wrote "Heartbeat" as a dedication/goodbye track but made it one of her most upbeat singles, explaining that the world is full of too much seriousness and sadness already and that a happy song like this is the best way to deal with things. When I'm in the right mood, I agree with her wholeheartedly, but I can still feel the depth in "feel my heartbeat", as if to say, "I would give you my heartbeat to have that moment again."
14. Al Green - Greatest Hits - 01 - Tired Of Being Alone (2:40)
This song demands a sing-along like a bunch of black women in curlers in a made-for-tv movie, singing into a hairbrush and dissing the opposite sex. And that's exactly how I sing along to it.
I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on-my-own,
won't you help me, girl,
just as soon as you can.
People say that I've found a way,
to make you say,
that you love me.
But baby,
you didn't go for that,
me, it's a natural fact,
that I wanna come back,
show me where it's at, baby.
I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on-my-own,
won't you help me, girl,
just as soon as you can.
I guess you know that I, uh,
love you so,
even though,
you don't want me no more,
hey, hey, hey, I'm cryin' tears,
all through the years,
I tell you like it is,
honey, love me if you can.
Ya baby,
tired of being alone here by myself,
I tell ya, I'm tired baby,
I'm tired of being all wrapt up late at night,
in my dreams, nobody but you, baby.
Sometimes I wonder,
if you love me like you say you do,
You see baby, I've been thinking about you,
I've been wanting to get next to you, baby,
Sometimes I hold my arms and I say,
Mmmmm hmmmm hmmmm,
O baby, needing you has proven to me,
to be my greatest dream.
I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on-my-own,
...Sometimes late at night I get to wonderin' about you baby,
Baby, baby, ya...
15. Rilo Kiley - more adventurous - 08 - More Adventurous (3:27)
and it's only doubts that we're counting
on fingers broken long ago
i read with every broken heart
we should become more adventurous
and if you banish me from your profits
and if i get banished from the kingdom up above
i'd sacrifice money and heaven all for love
let me be loved
let me be loved
and if my brain quits
well i guess then that's just it
and if my hands stop workin'
you can call me lazy
and if i get pregnant
i guess i'll just have the baby
let it be loved
let me be loved
i've been tryin' to nod my head
but it's like i've got a broken neck
i wanna say i will
as my last testament
for me to be saved and you to be brave
we don't have to walk down that aisle
because if marriage ain't enough well
at least we'll be loved
i felt the wind on my cheek
comin' down from the east
and thought about how we are all
as numerous as leaves on trees
and maybe ours is the cause of all
mankind getting love make more
try to stay alive
i've been tryin' to nod my head
but it's like i've got a broken neck
i wanna say i will
as my last testament
for me to be saved and you to be brave
we don't have to walk down that isle
because if marriage ain't enough well
at least we'll be loved
16. Nanang Tatang - Muki - 05 - Daydreaming (And I'm Thinking Of U) (4:59)
This one's from Kiosh. I love this band and this song.
Get out of my head.
17. Ani Difranco - Revelling Reckoning - Cd2 - 13 - School Night (4:54)
This is the most desperately low-point of the entire mix. There's that point in this song where the world freezes and spins and collapses around you. If you've never been in this situation, there's no way to relate. And sometimes I think there is no one that can relate. And this is my apology for that.
she went over to his apartment
clutching her decision
and he said, did you come here to tell me goodbye?
so she built a skyscraper of procrastination
and then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window
of her reply
and she felt like an actress
just reading her lines
when she finally said
yes. it's really goodbye this time
far below was the blacktop
and the tiny toy cars
and it all fell so fast
and it all fell so far
and she said:
you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i'm lookin' for my door key
but you are my porch light
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you'll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths
what of the mother
whose house is in flames
and both of her children
are in their beds crying
and she loves them both
with the whole of her heart
but she knows she can only
carry one at a time?
she's choking on the smoke
of unthinkable choices
she is haunted by the voices
of so many desires
she's bent over from the business
of begging forgiveness
while frantically running around
putting out fires
but then what kind of scale
compares the weight of two beauties
the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?
tell me what kind of gauge
can quantify elation?
what kind of equation
could i possibly employ?
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is just one of my truths
so i
i'm goin' home
to please the one i so love pleasing
and i don't expect
he'll have much sympathy for my grieving
but i guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things
worth believing
in
18. The Perishers - Pills (3:13)
I know I am blowing the whole thing into a crisis that doesn't exist, but this is what I'm afraid of. This is the reason why I make it a big deal. This is what I never want to become.I hope my smile
can distract you
I hope my fists
can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you�ll never know
I hope my love
can blind you
I hope my arms
can bind you
So you�ll never have to see
What we�ve grown to be
One may think
we�re alright
But we need pills
to sleep at night
We need lies
to make it through the day
We�re not ok
One may think
we�re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We�re losing ground
with every passing day
We�re not ok
But that�s one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That�s one thing
I would never say to you
19. Gary Jules - Mad World (3:07)
Before Jake Gyllenhaal lived on Brokeback Mountain, he was Donnie Darko, going through life like he was sleepwalking. And that was the only thing that saved him. The world didn't make sense and the enemies weren't apparent and time didn't flow smoothly. And this was the soundtrack.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
Posted by heydomsar
2006-04-10
go back | random brainstorm | go forth
Rachel Ray - 2009-05-03
The cold wind was the reason - 2009-03-02
The Collected Wisdom of Angela Chase - 2009-02-15
All's well that ends well. - 2009-01-07
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - 2008-10-04
