It's Long Overdue. I'm Overpowered.
I'm going entirely too fast for these conditions. The night
is dark and foggy. The road is icy and curvy. My
car tires are bald and the brakes are bad. There's an
inevitable crash coming and thankfully the airbag will save my
life. The only variable is who I will take down with me.
Idiot, slow down. Slow
down.
But there comes a point in after seemingly 8 months of bundled shivers
and overcast skies where it no longer matters that I can't see the
stars. And they couldn't help me anyway. The rest of this
is so much head trauma and pressure at my temples that my eyes
bleed.
The stars don't even
matter.
I lost another friend last week. One of the good
ones. We'd had our talk already, or so I thought.
The one where I attempt to help her see that she's not the one, without
ever saying it. But when it hits her later, at a very
specific moment, I'm dancing with someone else and it's clear that I
did not choose her. And so she's gone and I failed her like
I've done too many times before.
We tried, but we don't
belong.
Yesterday, another one called to chat. My heart leaps when
they do this. But slowly, near the end, after the jobs and
the family and the dinner conversation... she slides in her question
with sly hesitation. It's awkward, and it shouldn't be me
she's asking, and I say no. I don't DJ weddings
anymore. But I'm glad you're engaged. It's the
third time this has happened in two months. And it's not so
much regret I feel, because I had the opportunities... but I didn't
take them and I don't know if I made the right choice for me.
How can you ever know? All I do is second guess.
And wait for the opportunities to slowly fade into darkness.
They all do.
I want those flashing
lights.
Last week, I spent the night with people I used to know so
well. I don't know them anymore. I find my phone
and see that it has been beeping for an hour. My father's
voice is quiet and low. Somber. He says a mere 10
or 12 words. He's confused and stumbling. It feels
like panic. I speed to the emergency room with terror behind
my eyes, pushing it to the back of my mind because this is no time to
interfere. My mother is alone and shaking violently in a
hospital bed. The walk across the room from the door to the
bed is one hundred miles long and it takes decades to travel the
distance. She's fallen on the ice and blacked out.
Memory loss. Vertigo. Head CT scans.
Uncontrollable vomiting and worse. I'm scared and dizzy and
we spend the night sleepless.
Breathe. Keep
breathing. I can't do this alone.
My father had major surgery two weeks prior. He and the rest
of the family help him recover somewhere warmer. But ancient
revenge keeps them all trapped in their rooms for the week, too ill to
see the ocean. The trip was an expensive waste and you only
get one. Maybe next year you'll catch a break.
From this moment, how
can it feel this wrong?
I've committed to volunteer another 50 hours this month in an education
work. The best way to help yourself is to help someone
else. As soon as I made my commitment, my workload
triples. I get a new urgent side project. I get
called for a new job interview that seems perfect. And I fall
far behind in my time that I've promised. But I'm
resolute. The job offer is far too low and I turn it
down. The urgent side project needs me, so they'll have to
wait for me to be ready. The tripled workload will find its
way to my done pile, slow and steady. With help, I will make
my time. I plead for help. I can't stay awake during the
day.
Don't wake me, I plan on
sleeping in.
I don't sleep well at night and my dreams are cold and dark. And
they're always all in the past. The ripples in the lake when
I threw in the ring. In the side room with my
elders. That stormy cliff in Costa Rica when I realized I'm
alone. Seeing my heroes grow limp and lifeless in
apathy. Watching the strong marriages fail.
Shouting and being shouted at. Unspoken rejection.
When the hospital felt like home. These memories feel fevered
and nightmarish in my dreams. I wonder if they come from
stress and caffeine and overwork. From
disorganized electrons speeding through neurons too fast and needing a
place to settle. The reprecussions of feeling overwhelmed.
Jenny, you're barely
alive.
My friends will come through for me in droves. Still I keep
an impossible distance that they try to brush off with the backs of
their hands but how long can they do that? I feel an
underlying competition with all the guys. I want to shout
that You win! I don't care about any of that stuff! but you still
can't
exit the competition. I put in what feels like a lot of
effort towards guy friendships, but there aren't any that know me or do
the same and that's my fault. Girls seem a lot easier, but I
distance myself from their eagerness in vain fear of giving the wrong
impression. Neither of our intentions are clear. We
can't read eachother. We never will.
I gave you more than I
could give.
All of these neuroses compile and refract themselves in a heap this
month. I let myself feel overwhelmed. The snow
turns to rain which feels heavier than before. But only if
you let yourself look at it that way. It's a conscious
decision. I tell myself the snow melts because it's warmer
now. The sun has parted the clouds. Your issues are
only problems if you let them be problems. And so I take
inventory. I make mental lists of my accomplishments,
talents, and good qualities. I tell myself it is a long
list. I fill in the big rocks first and let the pebbles
settle around them. I run for miles and miles until I
collapse on the floor. I fall apart in this little white box
where I type this out, but outside I smile at strangers. A
few smile back. My family is close, if nothing
else. My lack of progress means there's plenty of room to
grow. There's always a crowd that follows me. The
band is reforming. The river is melting. My doubts
will fade. My niece smiles when she sees me. The
other girls that volunteer know my inside jokes. Not
everybody fails. Someday I'll get it together. Spring is
just about here.
And I say there's
trouble when everything is fine.
The need to destroy
things creeps up on me every time.
Posted by heydomsar
2008-03-12
go back | random brainstorm | go forth
Rachel Ray - 2009-05-03
The cold wind was the reason - 2009-03-02
The Collected Wisdom of Angela Chase - 2009-02-15
All's well that ends well. - 2009-01-07
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - 2008-10-04
