I'm a junkie.
Hello. My name is Heydomsar, and I'm an emotion addict. It's been 102 days since my last hit of emotion.
Ok, it hasn't been that long. I cried last when my dad went under the knife. And chainsaw. And hacksaw. Or whatever they did in there to sever his leg and reattach it.
But my point is, I've been off the stuff for a while now. And I've got the cravings again. I'm starting to itch and I've got the cold sweats.
I recognize that I've got this problem. I don't know which of the 12 steps I'm on, but I've past denial.
I first self-diagnosed the problem when I realized that I always favor any crappy but sappy movie just because it tugged at my emotions. Yes, I've cried at movies. Crappy movies. "What Dreams May Come". It was dumb and unrealistic and sacriligious and I cried like a baby. Sadly, there's been plenty. The stupidest was "Behind Enemy Lines". Yes, that war movie with that vapid blonde guy. Yes, it was an action flick. No one important died. There really were no sad scenes. It was a comedy really. And I cried like a baby. Granted, it was set in war-torn Bosnia, the homeland of my 2 little Refugee Boys that I helped study with. I miss them and I kept imagining the horror that they grew up in and escaped from. But still. It was a comedy/action flick.
And usually I KNOW it's a gimmick. They're playing with my emotions .. tugging at my heartstrings and I'm dancing like a Pinocchio marrionette. None of these things actually happened. They wrote the script so that the semi runs over the puppy, crippling it for life, helping the blind girl to realize that she's got something to live for. Which never actually happened. I KNOW it's a gimmick and a trick. And I'm falling for it hook, line, and slimy worm.
So not only am I feeling like a sissy - which I could live with - but I find myself craving that emotion. I get to feeling like I'm dead inside if I haven't had that dry lump in my throat over some kind deed done for me, or the euphoria and train-wreck of an up-and-down passionate romance, or the wistful gutwrench of losing someone in death when I start waxing philosophic and then cry myself to sleep. But I haven't had any of that in a while. Am I dead inside or emotionally well-adjusted? It's probably ok NOT to feel things that way. I'm probably getting along just fine and dandy. But I miss it. I want to feel something intensely again. I've been floating. Or skating. Or skimming along for too long now.
Even my last relationship .. which I count, even though I never got to the dating part officially... We were talking. Major flirting. But there was really nothing else. I was nowhere close to love. It wasn't emotional, it was practical. I wanted to be with someone, and she was an available girl. When I asked her out officially, she said we were really good friends, but there was no spark. And I knew it. I would have liked to deny it. But it was true. I wanted to force it, but you can't force a spark.
So now, after a few months, I find myself talking, or should I say "talking", to a former fling. This is the one I've tried "talking" to before. The first time around, it was a fantastic ride, but boy was it a ride. I was in, head over feet. It was everything I was looking for, she was everything I was looking for. And then suddenly it would be the most painful stab. It was all the angst of a teenage soap-opera. And then we'd be flying high again. In other words, there was passion. High ups and low downs. I was feeling my emotions, even though I was burying them too, because I wasn't ready for them. In the end, I had to quit, and I still stand by my reasons. But it was a cold turkey kind of stop, and I think I broke something. I haven't really been able to feel like that since. Maybe I'm afraid to put myself out there like that again.
But anyway, after that long drought of shallow, emotionless meandering, I'm back to the rollercoaster and thinking of boarding. I've got my ticket and I'm staring up at the peak, but should I be worried about the drop-off that I can't see after that, though I know is there? What about the loopty-loop?
Am I back again because I miss those feelings? Is there more? The passion is only part of the attraction, I'd like to say. I do say. There is more. We click and there's all those other qualities that I admire and look for. But the problems that made me leave, those are still pretty much there as well. And now, I'm willing to overlook them. And I'm guessing that's because I miss the passion. The emotion. I'm a junkie. I need another hit. Just one more. I'll pay you on the first of the month. I swear. I'm good for it.
Posted by heydomsar
2004-06-23
go back | random brainstorm | go forth
Rachel Ray - 2009-05-03
The cold wind was the reason - 2009-03-02
The Collected Wisdom of Angela Chase - 2009-02-15
All's well that ends well. - 2009-01-07
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - 2008-10-04
