my suckitude

When I finished college, I was looking for my first job for about a year. I'd do side/temp/crap jobs, but I was basically unemployed. Of course, for this year, I kept up my happy-go-lucky act because that's who I am .. no one likes to be around a crabby, mopey, whiner. And I'm all about crowd pleasing! But a few people that knew me could tell that I was actually spiralling into depression and worthless self-loathing. And let me tell you how fun that was!

No, let's not.

But I did buy myself this shirt that in it's own style of self-mockery, lightened my mood. It read :

And then it had the thumb/pointer-finger/pinky symbol for rocking out. Or worshiping the devil. Whatever.

So yeah. I'm now pulling that t-shirt out once again in a failed attempt to lighten the mood and make a joke of my refound unemployability. But this time, it doesn't give me or anyone else the same thrill. It was acceptable for a fresh-out-of-college, ready to take on the world, wide-eyed young man, to wait for the perfect opportunity .. and even if he had to wait longer than he'd prefered, it was to be expected. At least it was understandable. But this time around? ... It's mainly just pathetic. For a guy at my age to be without a car? without any money? without a job?! It's just not a funny shirt anymore, is all. If I wore it now, I would get the sad, sympathetic, "what a loser" faces. And that doesn't really lighten anyone's mood, now does it?

But oh well, somehow I will still be the fun and happy jokester on the outside, because that's just who I want to be. Other guys younger than me are building their own mansion-like castles for their beautiful wives? Other guys my age who barely slept through highschool are making mountains of easy money? Other guys with personalities of pet rocks are marrying supermodel heiresses? Yes, but can they entertain a dinner party by touching their tongue to their nose and spilling their shots of goldschlagger down their shirt? huh?! Can they? Do they know the exact right song to follow the peak track on a compilation disk? eh? Can they eat a whole cheesecake at Denny's after a wedding? Yeah! Now who's the loser!?

Yeah, I think I fake it pretty well. You might even be fooled by my lack of suckitude if you met me ... but as a secret between me and this webpage, I'm hiding my suckitude in an attempt to fool myself. Because if I can fool myself into thinking I'm non-lame and unlosery, then I can stave off the worthlessness for another day. It's boiling there now, beneath the surface, and eventually I wont leave my bed or get dressed or return calls because that's what depression does to me ... but for now, I'm still in my 'let's fake it' mode.

And what helps in 'let's fake it' mode is distraction. Going out and doing stuff is nothing more than a distraction from yourself. Let's face it, the 'going out and doing stuff' type of person is a shallower type of person, as types of persons go. We don't sit around and contemplate anything important because we're going out and doing something unimportant. And the shallower person is undoubtably the happier person. If I were ever to stop and analyze myself, or my motives, or my situation, I would be unable to carry on my facade of carefree bliss. So I find a distraction. A way to keep myself away from myself. Even a so-called "deep conversation" with a friend is almost always about generalities and vagaries - extravagant notions of right and wrong or society and culture or love and relationships - never specifically me, never specifically myself. Because I'm attempting to distract me from myself. Even alone with myself, my deep thoughts stray to physics and philosophy a la this guy.

And so if you meet me someday, let's talk about this lunatic. Let's dance and do shots. Let's talk about a generality or an idealism. Let's talk about you. I'm great at that. We could go for hours. But don't make me talk about myself. Just watch me touch my tongue to my nose and make a joke about something. It's my distraction and it's just better that way. Really. Who likes a pouty downer?

Posted by heydomsar
2004-07-08

go back | random brainstorm | go forth

Rachel Ray - 2009-05-03
The cold wind was the reason - 2009-03-02
The Collected Wisdom of Angela Chase - 2009-02-15
All's well that ends well. - 2009-01-07
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - 2008-10-04

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